Near Death Experience

For critics of my writings a good thing almost happened yesterday morning. I almost killed myself. This information can also be viewed as a consumer safety warning. While in the shower I noticed that the non-slip mat was a little close to the drain. With the shower running I lifted the mat and repositioned it away from the drain. Un-be-knownst to me a non-slip mat with water under it becomes a skateboard (hydroplanes). In the blink of an eye I was airborne breaching with the grace and style of a Beluga Whale. I landed with kidney (left side) on the edge of the tub. I struck with such force I bounced into the air once again ; this time resembling more of a beach ball that a whale. I flew out of the tub, half way, striking my thigh on the side of the tub and my left shoulder hitting the floor. I managed to strike and jam fingers on both hands. This action felt as if it had been ongoing for at least 10 minutes. I was certain the motion was over and I was about to take a breath and begin to evaluate the damage. Suddenly, I realized it wasn't over when my head violently struck the tile floor. I thought back to to the early years when I was a bull rider in rodeos. It was like being bucked off a bull and you hit the ground. It's over, then the bull either gores you or kicks you in the head. Now that I have had twenty-four hours to recover I have had time to check the tile floor for cracks, and to find a bright spot in this near tragedy. I believe that I can make a tidy sum of money off this incident. I am relatively sure that I have three kidneys now. One on the right side and two on the left. I"m confident the one on the left split in two. I will sell the spare on the open market. This morning I discovered that I have an uncontrollable fear of mats, both tub and floor.



A. C. Smithson