Announcement of Candidacy for President of the United States

I wish to announce my Candidacy for President of the United States.  I would like to have an airplane, helicopter, and live in the White House.  I will double the number of free concerts held at the White House.  Note: I will only invite performers with talent.  I want  taxpayers to pay 44 million dollars for my vacations.  I love to play golf.  I vow to play daily.  When elected I promise to enact the following policies.  I will appoint cabinet members and department heads based not on their talents and abilities, but simply that they share my political ideology.  Within the first year of my administration I will spend one trillion dollars on shovel ready infrastructure jobs putting America back to work.  I'm not interested in photo ops, I'm interested in solving problems for the American People.  I will print money and swell the stock market until it explodes and collapses wiping out retirement savings and making more citizens dependent on government.  I will confiscate all the money from the 1% to ensure I live the lifestyle to which I am accustomed.  I will increase teacher pay to $250.000 a month regardless if the children learn anything or not.  I will enact Common Core nationwide so the students will be too ignorant to realize they were cheated out of an education.  By the time they figure out the math it will be too late.  In exchange teachers will be required to vote for me in all future elections owing their very souls to me.  I will expand the Affordable Care Act so that all Americans receive totally free health care.  This will allow artist to avoid work and pursue their creative talents.  I will submit to enemies in order avoid conflict, and abandon our allies.  I will shrink our bloated military to 6 sailors, 3 marines, 12 soldiers, and 1 airman.  The savings will be diverted to the Affordable Care Act.  I will fix the Veterans Administration by giving it a lot more money.  I will support gay marriage in all states and expand it.  I will expand it so people can marry whomever and as many as they want to include relatives, children and pets (either sex).  I will stop all coal mining even though it will increase electric bills threefold.  I will shut down big oil by declaring them to be enemies of the state.  We will ride bikes and walk to improve health and lose weight.  I will work tirelessly for the middle class.  I will speak of the United States in derogatory terms every chance I get.  I will place unnecessary regulations on business and drive all those money grabbing bastards out of business.  I will talk with Iran until they have nuclear weapons.  Who the hell are we to tell other nations how to act and who can have nuclear weapons and who can't.  I will open the borders to all nations and grant them citizenship by executive order.  No assimilation required and you can bring your customs and religions with you.  All immigrants will however be required to take an oath of allegiance to me.  I will disband Border Patrol and Immigration Customs Enforcement so that new citizens are not hassled.  I will establish Special Weapons and Tactics Teams in every federal agency in the event a few misguided citizens object to my policies and regulatory schemes.   I will arm the agencies to the teeth with military vehicles and weapons.  I will provided military vehicles and weapons to all local police departments.  If SWAT hits your house, even by mistake, they will look sharp and be completely equipped.  If they shoot your family pet it will be quick and relatively painless with the latest military weaponry.  I will work tirelessly for the middle class.  I will grant Polar Bears and all species of Whales citizenship so they will no longer be endangered.  They will enjoy full protection from the United States Government.  To combat man made global warming I will require each household  leave their refrigerator doors open for one hour each day.  This will reverse the effects and refreeze the polar caps.  I will outlaw tobacco and will allow and encourage the free exchange and use of marijuana.  I will permit cocaine and heroin if that will guarantee your vote.  I will travel to  fundraisers at least once a week.  I will outlaw football and declare Soccer to be the national pastime.  I will pass an executive order that any and all criticism of me will be deemed a hate crime and racism.  I am white so minorities beware.  I will ensure abortions are granted on demand in all states for the first 10 trimesters ( in the event you have a child and decide you don't want it).  I will register all firearms and then confiscate them.   I will protect citizens from religion especially Christianity.  I will fight tirelessly for the benefit of the middle class.  I will not accept blame for anything pretending I am on the outside and that Washington not me is doing the harm.  If any blame is wrongfully attached to me I will blame my predecessor.  If Congress objects I will disband Congress and have them arrested.  Please vote for me.  A vote for me is a vote for the middle class.  I will do this and more and still enjoy the support of at least 40 % of the electorate. 
Andrew C. Smithson
Note:  For low information citizens this is a joke, I am not really a candidate for president.

Request for favor from 18 to 30 year olds

If you are 18 to 30 years of age and fall into the following descriptors please do your fellow mankind a favor.  If you believe Lincoln was the first president and Washington was the second.  If you see a picture of George H.W. Bush and think it is Nixon.  If you see a picture of Joe Biden and think he is the states secretary (what the hell is that).  If you believe we dropped the bomb on Russia to end World War ll.  It is your understanding  that the North and South fought the Revolutionary War.  It is your understanding that Lincoln was on the side of the South.  If you know it was the French that we fought for independence in the Revolutionary War.  If you believe Reagan was president during World War ll.  If you believe JFK's words were "Ask not what your country can do for you but what your country can do for you." If you believe republicans are waging a war on women.  If you can't find Iraq or Iran on a map.  If you think Obama is doing a good job.  If you think that it is the responsibility of your fellow citizens to purchase your birth control pills.  If you believe conservatives  are anti-immigration and not anti-illegal immigration.  If you believe the poor have too little because the rich have too much.  If you believe anything Obama says.  You know none of these things and are as ignorant about many more. Additionally,  you think it is funny and cute to be this dumb.  PLEASE, PLEASE don't vote in the future.  You have already screwed things up bad enough.
Andrew C. Smithson